A Crisis of Self in This Wonderful Life

Why didn't I get a real job after graduation? Where the heck has my style gone? And why are my boobs getting SO BIG?! These are questions I hadn't asked myself in two years... but now I suddenly find myself sitting around, staring off into space, and contemplating these very things. Like, throughout my entire day. Okay, obviously, the boob thing has to do with pregnancy. But knowing that doesn't make fitting into my shirts any easier. The other questions? I have to wonder if other creatives across the world ponder the same things.

Have you ever had a crisis of self? You may be somewhere in your life that you know is totally right. Your friends and family are great, you're making (mostly) responsible decisions, and you just have a lot to be happy about. Yet you have those nagging feelings of discontentment, the desire for change, and perhaps a little frustration with what you can accomplish with where you are at financially.

I think I've finally pinned down the source of my crisis. And I know you all can relate to this- because I'm 99% sure it's a cultural thing. Maybe some lean more towards the antsy I-need-new-things personality [raises her hand and says, "Oooh, oooh, me! That's me!"], but isn't it a cultural epidimeic of boredom? The need for new, exciting, and better things. And the need for them to be here right NOW? I see so many things that appeal to me, especially with being such an avid blog reader, whether it be a style of decorating, personal wardrobe style, hair-do.... but I just can't have it all. I can't go out and buy all of the things I need to fill out my home and decorate a nursery, but that's all I can think about. I can't have minimalism and maximalism at once, but they both appeal to me. I can't keep my weight in check AND make all of those cookie recipes I discovered on Pinterest. And I can't have the job I want now, and the budget that would supposedly make all of my dreams come true. My home will never look as awesome as all of those pretty pictures on my Pinterest board. I just can't have it all, gosh darn it! And not having these things isn't what's causing my crisis- My crisis is caused by dwelling on what I do not have, instead of ejoying what is right in front of me!

You see, what I do makes me happy. Saving money will give me security. Debt is an evil, scary monster. And those six eighty-dollar curtain panels for my windows might make my living room prettier, but most likely will not make my life any more worth living than going outside and enjoying this beautiful weather, spending time with my loving husband, growing my faith, and cherishing the ones I love.

So I keep telling myself- saving a little money every month for new curtains will be so rewarding when they finally arrive! And maybe someday before I am a grandmother, I will be able to afford to do it up right on a roadtrip out west. But in the meantime, I'm happy to have time to enjoy my life where I'm at. I just might forget about it every now and then...

photos from this 2010 post

Note to readers: It's become my desire to share more of my heart with you dear readers! Starting with my miscarriage last December, and my thoughts on self-confidence, I've really enjoyed connecting with your hearts, and hope that you will be happy to see when these wordier posts pop up amongst the other content you see at Here's Looking at Me, Kid!

Comments

[Delightfully Tacky]

I know exactly how you feel, Mandy. I love being able to set my own work schedule and be totally free to be creative, but at the same time I'm definitely not making as much money as I could if I was working for a company. But having worked for other people in various jobs, I've realized that I just hate working for others. My creativity and drive to create something awesome almost always comes up against someone else's vision (or lack thereof) for their business. I want desperately to start a business her in Tacoma, a real brick and mortar, but it's a huge leap and I feel like the timing is not quite right yet. So here I am stuck in this in between purgatory of being not quite here and not quite there.

I'm so excited to follow you and Phil's journey into parenthood, and am totally living vicariously through your new adventures in homeownership! I'm aching for a home of my own to paint and decorate (and have it be bigger than 440 sq ft), so it's kind of like a fun escape to see you get to do all that stuff! Definitely praying for you and Phil!

[Rosanna]

Oh Amanda. I totally get it. I love the world of blogging and pinning and beautiful things but they definitely have a negative effect on me sometimes. While they can be incredibly inspiring it is so frustrating to not always be able to change everything and make everything and have everything be beautiful. As soon as we accomplish one thing or create something nice, we see something else that we start to crave more. Thankfully, I am a good money saver. I feel guilty spending all the money I work so hard for and while I may see things I want, I stop myself and say no. I may want them but I do not need them and they will more than likely just complicate my life and clutter my house. Here's to being responsible for once! And saving for future adventures(and beautiful babies!)x x x

[Clare]

Great post :)
I totally agree!
Now I'm going to get off the computer (and pinterest, facebook etc) and go live some real beautiful life!
x

[Aelish]

thank you for writing this! i have the same thoughts floating through my head lately. things have not been working out for me since i graduated university....but i need to stop complaining and look at all the beauty in what i do have.

[Haley]

I love this post. I completely understand crisis' of self. I have them quite frequently, not about finances (yet, since I am still on my parents bill) but many other things! You are not alone! I really like the personal posts :) Keep it up and keep your chin up!

[Danielle]

I love this... I so understand those feelings. I sometimes sit here and refresh the same sites over and over waiting for new stuff to ogle, then I realize, what the heck am I doing wasting all this time I'm lucky enough to have? Get out and DO something, for goodness sake!

[shaina longstreet]

I love these types of posts...and that you are authentic and share your heart.

[Maddie]

i'm currently in my fifth year of college, working and living my life, and i to can't help but be bored. I have the love of an adoring man, and i am so happy for the world we have created for ourselves. yet i can't help but feel like i want to fast forward 2 years and KNOW what it is i'm going to become, where I will be, and embarking on that part of my life. I'm tired of this part. I guess bored would be a better word. The irony lies in knowing that in 2 years, i will want to rewind. it's a crazy thing, life.

Congrats on the peanut btw! so exciting. I can't wait to be a mom.

Maddie

[Jill]

I'm feeling it, too, Mandi. I learned in December that my job is ending in June, so I'm really watching my spending these days. It's a job I didn't love. . .but I'm struggling to find my next good fit. I know something great is on the horizon for me, just needing to trust more and sink into patience. And that's hard for me, like it is for many. I've found that going through my closet and drawers and matching up new pairings is helping with wanting more clothes. Going to the thrift store when I want to buy something and looking hard at what's there sparks my creativity to make something new for my place. I'm liking brewing my own tea at home vs. picking up a latte on the way to work much more than I expected. Focusing on finishing up projects that are 1/2 done rather than spending to start new. It's not rainbows and posies all the time, that's for sure, but I'm trying my best. Your readers are cheering you on! Thanks for being real :)

[Kelci Smith]

what a wonderful post. thanks for being real.

xo

[katie]

i have these same kind of crises on a semi-regular basis, though I think they're occurring slightly less often as I get older. I have found lately that scaling back my internet time has helped me to not always feel like I need new STUFF all the time. but that's kind of the easy part. . . it's harder to quiet down that part of my spirit that always wants my life to be different somehow. Even though I pretty much have the exact life I want! Yeah, weird. I do think you're right, it's a cultural thing, but I also think it's kind of a human condition thing too.

I have been enjoying your personal posts. Thanks for sharing and stating it so eloquently.

[Jessica R]

This is totally me. It's so hard just living sometimes that being happy with what you have in our world is almost impossible. I love your real life posts!!!

[gingiber]

I am a quiet reader of your blog, and by golly if I am not in the same place right now.

The desire to purge and change my environment, often fueled by all of the visual stimulation I see on blogs and Pinterest.... sometimes it is just too much and reinforces the feeling of discontent in my life.

I recently quit my secure day job to pursue my creative business full time. Had my second child in November. My husband is finishing his PhD. Our budget is small. But we have everything we need right now. And really I have all that I have ever wanted.

I have actively taken time away from my computer and have gotten outside the past few days, trying to shake my feeling of "ennui".

Sunlight seems to fix everything. Sorry for the long reply :)

[emily]

Thank you for sharing. It is refreshing to see amongst all the pretty things something more to connect with. I think it is therapeutic to write out experiences and self doubt, we all feel it. Then being able to flip it and see find some positives and gratitude. What we resist persists.

[alice]

Love this post, so refreshing when people are honest!
I totally understand what you mean, its hard to be content in this culture. Just this morning I was saying to my husband how hard it is to not always be wanting more, the pretty stuff for our house, nice clothes etc. I don't have a 'grown up job' (most of the time I don't know what the heck I am doing) I don't have much money, I have not gone travelling, most of my clothes are second hand, but yet I have so so much. Sometimes I day dream about living somewhere exciting and exotic instead of the small beach town I am living in and I am learning to address these thoughts when they come into my head and turn it around with all the amazing things I am grateful for.
A verse that helps me... psalm 4:6-8 ' why is everyone hungry for more? 'more, more' they say 'more, more' I have Gods more than enough, more joy in one ordinary day than they get in all their shopping sprees. At days end, I am ready for sound sleep, for you God have put my life back together'

x

[Katie]

I love this post and can %100 relate to all of it! And yes, I think we all have those thoughts. Try not to lament the fact you never got a *real* job though. I wish I hadn't! My grown up job was just a horrible waste of two precious years of my life! But I guess it's the old "the grass is always greener" thing... I totally know what you mean about the wanting stuff, and wanting it NOW, too. When I find myself obsessing over material things we simply cannot afford I find stepping away from the computer helps. Pretty blogs and pinterest can be seriously dangerous when you live on a limited budget! And in the end, like you said, material things won't really make our lives any better or make us happy. But having good people and lots of love in our lives will!

Katie x

PS I love these personal posts! Keep 'em up! :)

[Maddie]

Best post yet Mandi. I am a creative person who has a corporate job. I work as a technical designer for Anthropologie and I work at their home offices in Philadelphia. Instead of branching out on my own, I took the safe route and got the 9 to 5 job. Two years after making that decision, I sit at my desk many days and wonder, what am I doing here? All these procedures and approvals are stunting my creativity. As a result, I have been very discontent and confused with my place in life right now. I too am a blogger and would love to one day use my blog as a stepping stone to branch out on my own. But again, I contemplate whether I want that just because I want a change in my life, something new and exciting, or because I actually want to. Should I just be content with where I am and what I do have, or risk it all for better creative fulfillment.

Hang in there girl. Time will only tell. I have faith in that.

[Laura Chavous]

oh my...my mail has just been read!!! I can totally relate to everything you wrote about. Well except for the boob part. My question goes more like "why do my boobs have to be soooo small?!" Haha!
But seriously I think you hit the nail on the head and I love reading things like this because they are so genuine, heartfelt, honest and real. :)
I think we are all in this same boat together. I am always having to remind myself that fulfilling some of my wants or accomplishing certain things is only going to give me temporary satisfaction and then that feeling will be gone and on to the next project. Like you said -time with the ones we love and growing in our faith thats where its at! :)))

[Elizabeth]

I'm like that - always wanting new. Not new stuff so much, but new sights, experiences, learning. Besides being content with what I have, I heard a great quote that's helped me a lot. Something to the effect of not comparing our worst inside with their best outside. Really pertinent to blog reading I've found.

I enjoy the wordier posts. This is a great blog! Hope you're still feeling well.

[Josefina Dieguez]

Hi Amanda! I've been reading your blog for a while but this is the first time I've commented. This is a post I could have easily written, you describe exactly how I feel many times when instead I should be thankful for all the blessings I am gifted everyday. So I agree that instead of wishing I had this or that, I should live in the moment and be grateful for all the joys in life, including health, family, friends and so many reasons to be happy! Thank you for such an honest post.

Josefina
Domininican Republic

[Melissa]

I totally agree. Being patient is not something that is supported in our culture. In high school I had a marketing teacher tell us that in a poll of the US researches found out that our overall happiness peaked in 1957 and that society's true happiness has only declined in the following years. Kinda interesting considering we live in the age where a phone will do everything for you and we have tons more ways to communicate with people.

Being content is a learned skill. Wanting things isnt bad...it's rearranging our lives to attain that will get us into trouble. My husband and I learned that the hard way with losing his job, our house, and a baby. At the end of the day, being content and having God's peace is all that matters.:)

Great post by the way:) I love that you are sharing more of yourself;)And I know its fun to plan a nursery and all, but dont stress out. The baby will have no idea what color the walls are or what bedding is on the crib:)

[Chaucee]

Thank you SO much for writing this post. I've been going through some similar life crisis moments even though I know you and I are at different times in our lives. I'm just about to graduate my four year university. I have some big decisions in front of me and sometimes it's overwhelming and scared. I appreciate your honesty and I look forward to more posts lik this!

[Lindsey]

I loved this post! Thank you for sharing your heart with us. :)

-Lindsey
http://ettu-tutu.blogspot.com

[Sam]

This is me right now! I'm definitely having a crisis of self and the desire to also have THINGS is soaring at the moment. You are right, it's better to focus on what we do have.

[Sarah Rooftops]

Yes, I know how you feel. There are times - usually when a friend buys a great big house that I could never dream of affording - when I wonder why I didn't go after a well paid career. But those times are fewer and further between now because there were times when I couldn't imagine affording even the small flat I have now, and I couldn't imagine having a relationship which made me happy, and I couldn't imagine how I would get a creative job... and those things have all come about. I'm starting to think the important things just take patience (well, I hope so, anyway!).

[Diana]

thank you for this post. :)

[danielle thompson]

I think blogging only feeds to that obsession with STUFF and I absolutely understand where you are coming from. It definitely makes me feel *yuck* after a while when I realize what blogging and reading blogs (and pinterest) does to my head. It's ok to be inspired, and I really enjoy it, but it does become all-consuming. Even if it's "thrifted", it's still STUFF. I see people obsessed even with thrifted cheap stuff! It's still *stuff* and in the end it can't really make you 100% happy. You're right, as hard as it is to remember, saving your pennies and earning those things will make them that much more enjoyable and fulfilling to have in your home. Love ya, sweets. : )

[erinkate]

There's this facade to the blogging community, right? Only the beautiful, flattering photographs make it online; only the pretty, just so vignettes in our homes. Rarely do we see the seams, the stack of papers on the kitchen table, the funny multiple chin pictures. We create ourselves in a very specific way for blogs, a way that mirrors the advertorial photographs that are posted and reposted for inspiration. We are just cute outfits and DIY projects and deliciously steaming dinners. We are not bickering or late gas payments or a cardboard box taped to a window or a shriveled roast. Our online lives are lovely.

The massive downside to all of this, of course, is that our online lives perpetuate this culture of sweet perfection. By taking part in it, we're telling other readers and bloggers that only perfect lives are worth chronicling. That anything in your day that wasn't a shiny bicycle, a mustard cardigan, and some glitter glue is shameful or boring. And yet we continue.

What you're doing with your personal posts is peeling back the scenery behind the shiny bicycle and reminding everyone that a real person with real doubts and anxieties exists. And I think that's helpful, needed, brave, and worth continuing.

And that's my unsolicited two cents!

[Bekuh]

I am in this exact place currently and have vented maybe one too many times to my husband about it. You are right this is an epidemic and I think it is even more acute in the blogging community because we are constantly inundated with newer, fresher, before-anyone-else-gets-to-it lifestyles of people who have budgets and sponsors that most people (like 99.9%) just don't have access to. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing except when I can't separate that truth from my life. I too am trying to be more content where I am at, with the things I do have.

[Olga]

To be honest, I think this whole fashion/design blogger community is just another big bubble (just as dot-com and real estate ones) And one day it will burst too, leaving people miserable and wondering, what they wasted their precious time on - achieving the nonachievable - perfection!

[Frankie]

Being satisfied in the now is so hard! I think it's a daily struggle for most to be content with the present- I know I struggle with it daily. Thanks for this beautiful post. It resonated with me and so many others.

[Jessica]

Oh my gosh! thanks for writing this!! Its super inspiring to know that there are other people out there with the same issues as me! I wish i had sooo much more everyday but I don't see what beautiful thing and friends and family in front of me now! Thank you thank you thank you!! <3

[Victoria Pasquale]

Hello!

I have talks with myself every day about be happy with what I have. Trying to be creative and transform what I own already. I've stopped looking at Pinterest because it's exhausting- all these things i could make but have to spend money in order to do so.

I live out west completely separated from my family and friends?! I reside in a one bedroom "efficiency" apartment (which has made my life anything but efficient) with my boyfriend of over a year and our two dogs. My parents haven't even met him yet because of travel expenses?! And also how my living with Josh without being married says about my "Christianity." Anyway, end of rant.

Just some things that I think about every day.

I'm really excited to see how adorable your baby is!!! You and your husband are beautiful people. I'm not a mother but I have a feeling when your baby is born none of this "stuff" will matter. :) (not to be taken offensively)
When I relax I like to be unpluged from wants, desires, and electronics. It helps me focus on what is really important.

[Victoria / Justice Pirate]

I'm more into reading actual written posts these days instead of looking at fashion blogs anyway, so continue to share! My breasts grew a lot during pregnancies too. I went from an a to a double d. . .I'm an a again though now. I don't have much money myself, and don't understand how people can just buy buy buy without any stopping.

[Olivas]

Oooooh!!! I understand!!! I´m crisis of self!!!

[katie]

Hi! I'm not usually one to post, but wow do I understand how you're feeling. I so often I read other's blogs (including yours) and think they're do such awesome stuff with their lives, why I'm I not doing anything cool?!? Then I remember, I own my own business (a vintage shop in Cincinnati), I've been in business for 2.5 years now and tons of people would love to do what I do. But I still always feel like I should be growing my business, or searching for a new challenge, or that I'm not self-motivated enough to reach by full potential. So thank you for being so honest about this; it's a relief to know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

[Sophie E]

Hey hey!

I'm having the same feeling last days (even months) I didn't know exactly how to explain but you gave me the words now. I also found the same solution: just look around and back, see what you got and who you became. Sure it's not exactly what you expected, but it's even better because it's yours! and you built it. We couldn't have a TV-blog-magazine life, because it doesn't exist. However, it doesn't mean you couldn't have dreams. Actually, we MUST have dreams, cause they keep us walking :)

*Sorry about my English!

[kari]

i was literally just face timing* with my best friend talking about money and life and travels and where we *wish we were when i scrolled past this post on my google reader while rudely not giving her the attention she deserves in our chat, when i had to interrupt her & read this well timed post. i love it. it was exactly what i was trying to sum up in our convo. more heart please.

it makes us all feel a little more connected.

xo
k.

[Miss Peregrin]

I know this feeling well! I hope it passes soon for you, it's not a nice place to be. I love your wordy posts. :)

[Danielle]

The saying, it is always greener on the other side... or we always want what we don't have (or want to have)... your post rings so very true. But since you have nailed your angst straight on the head you are a giant leap ahead of many. I am in my late 30s and the further I grow the less it all matters, but it is still there sometimes. Human nature I guess? You are a beautiful person... and I enjoy reading your heart posts. :-)

[brigette b]

I hear ya. I do the same thing to myself all the time: ask a bunch of questions that are hard and scary and then put myself down for all the stuff I'm NOT doing that in perfect, hypothetical, magical world I 'should' be. It can reach the level of being crazy-self-hating, but if you treat it more like constructive criticism from yourself it can also be helpful! It's okay to question where you are and how you got there, as long as you find that you are pretty stoked to be where you are in your life after all. And it certainly looks like you are. It also really, really, reeaaallly helps to talk to somebody else about it and get all that gobbledigook out of your head! Husbands are very good for that.

[Michelle Clement]

I love these 'wordier' posts, because I feel the same way, right now! It's definitely a cultural thing (or so we've been discussing in history classes, lately). I think especially in blogland it's easy to be all-consumed with so many yummy images and kinds of lives that you want a bit of, too. Whew! I have to step back and enjoy what I do have, too - thanks for the inspiration, as always, lady! :)

[kate]

mandi,
i'm not usually one to comment, but i just wanted to tell you that i have loved reading your blog and appreciate the "wordier" posts as i learn a little about your personal life-i also appreciate you wanting to share more with your readers. thank you!

[Rachel]

Hey Mandy, I completely understand what you are talking about and what your going through! First off as I get older I have begun to realize that these feeling usually spring up when a large change comes around in my life, ie getting married and moving. When I got married it was very hard to take who I was on my own and match it to who I needed to be as a wife (darn that submitting to my husbands leadership, and respecting him thing!) But I think the one that I am struggling with the most is the being satisfied one. I have always had champaign tastes on a beer budget (some time a free water budget!) so not only are my mind and heart longing for these things that I can't have but by pining away for things, I miss what I do have, just like you said! My husband and I moved a few months ago to Dallas (one of the most wealthy city's in the world) so he could get his masters from Dallas Theological Seminary. There is money every where I look down here, but none of it is for us...all our money goes to living and paying tuition, I tell my self this is just a season. However I have been pondering more and more the idea that no, this isn't just a season, this is a life style and faith choice! I have strugled most of my adult life with my love of things and love of "the world" and my love of my heavenly Father and how to get His ideals to match my heart...because I realized one day while I watched a mother leading a video camera through shacks to her own where her sick children awaited her, IT IS NOT OK for me to obsess over a $130.00 dress from anthropologie while I KNOW the rest of the world is suffering!! That was a ruff day for me, and still is when I catch my self slipping into it. I dont have an answer yet, all I can do is ask for my heart to be changed and my mind to be set on things above, things that matter...its fun for me to dream, but I have to check my self that it isn't turning into worship. Thank you so much Mandy for being real, and sharing your heart...it is soooo encouraging to know I am not the only one who struggles, and you arn't either! Hang in there, and perhaps we should both take it easy on Pinterest, (geees is that a problem for me hahaha)...take care and thanks again for sharing!

Rachel

[Trudy Florence]

I love these posts when you share more. I completely agree. Right now I am living in Holland, living the European dream that I have had since I was a little girl. But my job isn't right and I don't have time to create and I am concentrating too much on what I don't have instead of what I do! I have no money either but I can have picnics in European parks and it's amazing! Thanks for the reminder and I truly mean it.

[malia]

my problem when i blog hop, is that it makes me so indecisive on how to decorate my home! haha.
I love thrifting too much, to ever buy something for regular prices. Even at the thrift store, i will not buy something that i feel is too much.
I usually have a hard time paying more than $6 dollars for any item. i've become a money snob. ha
I like saving, and having money. it makes me feel safe.
Dont get me wrong, I let Philly have a few toys here and there ( and i get one occasionally too), because I want to let him know that i appreciate him going out to work everyday, and never having a sick day.
But at the end of the day, i want him to know that the money is being saved, so that at the end of time, we have enough money to buy something big ( a house).
I want to show him that all of his hard work has gone into something grand.
Thankfully we work well as a team.
anyways, sorry for going on. just some thoughts on my mind.
But i do get where you are coming from.
it can be hard at times to focus on what you have, and enjoy it esp. when there are so many other creative people out there.
-m

[Jules]

Loving the heartfelt posts, so genuine and each one really resonates, not just with me but as I can see from all the comments, with so many others out there as well! Thank you for sharing and writing so beautifully :)

[elizabeth]

First, congrats on the pregnancy! I too have suffered from a miscarriage that nine years later still breaks my heart, however, if it wasn't for that loss, I wouldn't have my Isabella (my daughter) today.

Second, I have been thinking of this post since yesterday! I could have written most of what you wrote. Why is it that when we have so much to be grateful for, yet we still are not "satisfied" and want more?

Great post and I'm looking forward to reading more of your thoughts :)

[Miki]

Hi, Mandy! I've been your follower for a while now although I do not usually leave a comment. I wanted to say that reading your story gave me hope and it has touched my heart. I wish you all the best! And thank you so much for having shared it ;).

Tight hugs!

Miki.

[Thrifty Vintage Kitten]

I love these posts. Thank you for sharing. I have big, big dreams and hope very much to accomplish them soon so I can, on a daily basis, do the things that I love most.

[kara marie riley]

Mandi, thanks so much for this! I have been talking about this all week with some girlfriends, about how looking at pinterest and blogs too much just makes us discontent! I thought that it was healthy for me to remain constantly inspired, but sometimes its just too much. I know that at one point in my life, what i have now would have seemed so appealing, yet right now im not happy with where i am at. Thanks for the reminder to appreciate what we have.

[Bright]

I, too, am having a crisis of self these days. I've just turned 25 and I thought I would be much further along in life than I am. Instead, I am struggling with finishing college, I don't have any romance in my life, my job isn't fulfilling me anymore...anyway, it's enough to make you cry in bed at night, which is what I have been doing. I told my mother than anyone else would be happy with my life but I'm not, and that makes me feel awful - even more awful than I do already. I'm not greedy, I don't give a fig about curtains. I just want to be a wife and a mother. And that's the last thing I can have right now. I don't know who I am anymore.

[Elena Rosa]

I just read Bright's comments, and wanted to tell her a crisis of self can be a normal feeling. I don't think she's alone. We're led to believe (via celebrity culture, tv shows that the feature rich, privileged) But reality is that a lot of us are struggling to balance where we find our selves and our expectations.

I think the key is not to compare yourself to others. It's normal, but hands down the most destructive thing you can do. It's also important to talk about it, with friends if possible. It's also important to acknowledge what you have achieved. College is already such an accomplishment!

Elle, psychologist

[Mandi]

Bright, I think a lot of people can relate to where you are right now. And it's not like you are consciously thinking you are a failure, you just feel like something's missing- and it must be graduation, a fulfilling job, and a relationship- because other people have those, and they seem happy enough.

I personally believe that we are created with souls that seek out fulfillment, and that it is only found through spiritual things. I think about people who "have it all," and still aren't happy, because they are missing out on a relationship with Jesus- which is a heck of a lot different than our culture leads us to believe. I don't believe that void is filled with religion, but with relationship. Anyways, if you ever want to talk about that sort of thing, I'm available. :)

[Lauren]

I think every girl is this way ;) I've been at my job for 7 years and I get extremely bored. I'm a designer, who'd a thought a designer could get bored at work! But I do. Thanks for the sweet post :)

[Bright]

Thank you, Elena. I am talking about it with my therapist and my mother, but I live alone and being alone in your thoughts, worries, and anxieties can be the worst thing in the world.

And thank you, Mandi. I grew up with a mish-mash of religions - my mother moved us from church to church, denomination to denomination - and I've only ever got as far as praying to God. I'm comfortable in that, that feels like it fits for the most part, but I've never prayed to Jesus. Even just typing it made me feel uncomfortable. I don't know how to even start and I get uncomfortable when someone brings it up, even in your posts and in the comments from other people. I get anxious and defensive. Maybe that will change.

Hopefully I'll figure this out. I don't know if I can keep feeling so incredibly empty. I feel like I've been having a crisis of self for the last three years.