Why didn't I get a real job after graduation? Where the heck has my style gone? And why are my boobs getting SO BIG?! These are questions I hadn't asked myself in two years... but now I suddenly find myself sitting around, staring off into space, and contemplating these very things. Like, throughout my entire day. Okay, obviously, the boob thing has to do with pregnancy. But knowing that doesn't make fitting into my shirts any easier. The other questions? I have to wonder if other creatives across the world ponder the same things.
Have you ever had a crisis of self? You may be somewhere in your life that you know is totally right. Your friends and family are great, you're making (mostly) responsible decisions, and you just have a lot to be happy about. Yet you have those nagging feelings of discontentment, the desire for change, and perhaps a little frustration with what you can accomplish with where you are at financially.
I think I've finally pinned down the source of my crisis. And I know you all can relate to this- because I'm 99% sure it's a cultural thing. Maybe some lean more towards the antsy I-need-new-things personality [raises her hand and says, "Oooh, oooh, me! That's me!"], but isn't it a cultural epidimeic of boredom? The need for new, exciting, and better things. And the need for them to be here right NOW? I see so many things that appeal to me, especially with being such an avid blog reader, whether it be a style of decorating, personal wardrobe style, hair-do.... but I just can't have it all. I can't go out and buy all of the things I need to fill out my home and decorate a nursery, but that's all I can think about. I can't have minimalism and maximalism at once, but they both appeal to me. I can't keep my weight in check AND make all of those cookie recipes I discovered on Pinterest. And I can't have the job I want now, and the budget that would supposedly make all of my dreams come true. My home will never look as awesome as all of those pretty pictures on my Pinterest board. I just can't have it all, gosh darn it! And not having these things isn't what's causing my crisis- My crisis is caused by dwelling on what I do not have, instead of ejoying what is right in front of me!
You see, what I do makes me happy. Saving money will give me security. Debt is an evil, scary monster. And those six eighty-dollar curtain panels for my windows might make my living room prettier, but most likely will not make my life any more worth living than going outside and enjoying this beautiful weather, spending time with my loving husband, growing my faith, and cherishing the ones I love.
So I keep telling myself- saving a little money every month for new curtains will be so rewarding when they finally arrive! And maybe someday before I am a grandmother, I will be able to afford to do it up right on a roadtrip out west. But in the meantime, I'm happy to have time to enjoy my life where I'm at. I just might forget about it every now and then...
photos from this 2010 post
Note to readers: It's become my desire to share more of my heart with you dear readers! Starting with my miscarriage last December, and my thoughts on self-confidence, I've really enjoyed connecting with your hearts, and hope that you will be happy to see when these wordier posts pop up amongst the other content you see at Here's Looking at Me, Kid!